Wednesday Musing: Off seasons are silly seasons

Without fail, the off-season is full of “sources”, “reports”, “beliefs”, “coulds” “mays” and my favorite: “might”. This is just on free agency madness. Draft day scenarios lend to the madness with ideas as out there and crazy as a Hollywood movie.

With so many sites desperate for clicks to make money for their corporate sponsors, the more outlandish the hot takes, the more cash they get. For example:

Denver will trade Aqib, CJ Anderson, a first, a moon pie and a pair of season tickets to Miami for Ryan Tannenhil.

Which we will trade to the Jets for their pick and then will trade that, Kelly and DT and Virgil Green to the Redskins for Cousins, after he agrees to be tagged and traded and then, gasp, we’ll use our fifth for Mayfield.

But, Elway is not done yet in his wheeling and dealing. He’ll trade Lynch and Derek Wolfe to Cincy for AJ McCarron. Plus, send Emmanuel Sanders and Jake Butt to Dallas for Dak and their first.

Since Elway never stops, on a golf course in warm and sunny Minnesota between holes 9 and 10, he’ll trade Siemian to the Vikes for Case Keenum and Teddy Bridgewater–after both agree to a tag and trade, of course.

Before Johnny gets too carried away though, cap guru Mike Sullivan will step in and cut Stew, Ray, Fowler, Marshall, Davis, Taylor, Peko and Latimer to pay for these QBs.

The next step of course will be the fan favorite: a summer of quarterback competitions. Vance will judge on who can make the most completions to the three people left on offense, with extra points given to whomever has the best practice.

The top two will be our starters with QB3 relegated to being undressed and honorary team gatoriade captain and official ambassador for cleaning out Thunder’s stall. The rest will be tested to see who can play WR, TE, LB, DE, S and Nose Tackle. My money is on Mayfield as NT with his fiery style, I’m sure he can learn how to play a ukulele.

Then, Elway will use our remaining six picks for depth. Team fixed. Ring ensues, everything is perfect in Broncosland. (Outside of ST, there have been five rookie starters week one since 2011, but no matter).

But wait….there’s more! Elway, still out to make every fan happy, sends Steve Atwater, Miles the Mascot and a seventh round pick to Miami for Jarvis Landy (who signs his tender and trade). To complete his fanfest, he scoops up Nate Solder and Derrick Johnson.

After reality (finally) set in, we see from social media last week that DT, E, plus CJ would be traded, to make cap room for our Lord, Kirk, but now the same talking heads are saying everyone stays because a top QB won’t want us without weapons. Who knew? But don’t ask how to pay for all three and keep the defense. Wouldn’t want to be seen as knowing how to work a calculator.

As one “expert” opinion after another throws out click bait, readers follow like Ramoras feeding off leftovers instead of doing their own thinking. Which is what keeps the cash rolling in to companies who promise to enlarge your penis, grow hair and turn fat into muscle. Too bad none are for the school of Thomas Paine. Yes, I just dropped two names you may need google which will actually increase the head that thinks.

What may end up really happening is (whispers) none of it. Shocking, right? Remember Draft Day? What did Sonny really end up doing at the end of the movie? He drafted playmakers to his team, passed on the cocky QB and stuck with the guy the fans didn’t want. People forget about that part. Oops.

In reality, Elway will not be able to give all the fans, or even close to it, what they want because what they want can’t be done. They want either a high priced guy or rookie to come in and win 19 games and a ring. And do it by keeping all their players or losing several vets to pay for one.

Fans also want Le’Veon Bell and Barkley and Jarvis Landry and Quentin Nelson and Drew Brees and Smith and Trey Burton and on and on. They want the moon, stars and sun for 37M in cap and nine draft picks. And twitter will keep churning out more hot takes on what Elway will do.

Click, kaching, click, kaching, click…

 

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