Come on in to The Broncos Country Bar, no ID required.

Once again, there is dissidence amongst our brethren in this beautiful Broncos Country of ours. A country unilaterally united just 4 years ago, riding the coattails of the Sheriff and his 2013 historic campaign.

To wrap our heads around all this in-fighting, I thought maybe a small metaphor would help everyone understand who at QB would be best for Broncos Country and make this (and upcoming seasons) a lot more enjoyable.

So, come on in to the Broncos Country Bar, a place filled to the brim with Orange and Blue neon, decked out in framed jerseys of so many amazing players, and run by a VP we lovingly call, The Duke.

​The end of a legacy occurred on Monday March 7th, 2016, a day we had all been dreading. One of the best bartenders of all time finally decided to call it quits after 4 glorious years at our Bar. He made many amazing drinks, the best we had had since 1999. This isn’t to say we didn’t have some decent bartenders, but only the Duke and the Sheriff stand out as hall of fame bartenders at our fine establishment, so far.

The Sheriff knew the drink you wanted before you walked up to the bar, delivered it exactly to where you would be sitting every time, and how you wanted it. And by golly, it was an amazing drink every damn time!

​The beginning of the Sheriff’s last year at the Bar was preceded by the Duke hiring one of his best friends, a man I suppose we could call Kubes for lack of a more descriptive title, to be the Bar’s manager. While he had many good years previously as an assistant manager, his short time as manager was less than stellar in drink production, although his barkeeps did win the coveted title of 50th Annual Best Bar in the County. In fact, Kubes’ management style was so stifling that the Sheriff saw the worst performance of any bartender to win the Best Bar trophy.

When Kubes came to town, he picked up a kid from a bar tending university out of Evanston, Illinois. He saw himself in T-Sizzle, selected very late in the interview process, and thought he could mold him to be a special bartender. Some of the patrons called this bartender-in-training, T-Sizzle, and he became well known for his smiling personality, and an affinity for Skittles.

During his training time, T-Sizzle didn’t get to learn a lot. He was behind another bartender that did alright at the Bar filling in at times for the Sheriff, known simply as, Brent. However, he never really did gain the respect of the new management, and eventually decided to move on to Houston (although I hear they booted him off to Cleveland).

The Duke then brought in a seasoned veteran originally from Southern California as a temporary  bartender until a permanent one could be found. This man started off hot as a bartender in New York, but was never able to rightfully serve anyone from the New England area, and soon became known simply for fumbling a drink off of someone’s rear end; hence the nickname, Butt Fumble.

Not long after picking up Butt Fumble, the Duke traded away some of the Bar’s assets in order to pick up a highly sought-after bartender from a university in Memphis, TN called The Pirate. Stealing him from the grasps of the skeleton that ran the bar in Dallas, plus saved him from the smells of BBQ in KC and rattlesnakes in Arizona.

The self taught Pirate was a winning bartender, who got better every single year he did it. He was going to be a bit raw when stepping into a pro-bar tending role, but his upside was huge.

So, now we had a three-way competition to win the job as head bartender. The Duke was thoroughly convinced that ole Butt Fumble would be able to work a year or so, mentoring his highly prized Pirate long enough to see him seize the job. However, during his audition process, the veteran bartender from So Cal was not able to keep drinks on the bar. They either tumbled to the ground, or wound up in another customer’s hands.

T-Sizzle was next up, and made his drinks correctly and pleased the customers at the bar enough with his drink making prowess to realize that when they ordered a margarita, they definitely got a margarita. Nothing incredibly fancy, but at that point, compared to Butt Fumble, fancy wasn’t necessary.

Third up in this bar-tending competition, was the Pirate, who made drinks in a different way than T-Sizzle did, with more a gunslinger mentality, almost like a flair bartender, rather than a conservative drink maker. Being the flair bartender as he was, he took chances with his drinks, spinning glasses and throwing things in the air and hustling all over the place behind the bar.

During this audition period, the manager at the time was quite fond of predictable and reliable. He also saw himself In T-Sizzle, a virtual Mini-Me. Not really wanting risk any broken glasses or bottles despite the amazing show from the Pirate, and the severe lack of skills that Butt Fumble seemed to show, Kubes decided to name T-Sizzle the bartender going forward, much to the shock of everyone, even the Duke himself.

T-Sizzle performed admirably at the position, surprising people by being decent at the position despite originally being hired as a relief bartender. However, at the end of the year, T-Sizzle was only ranked the 27th best bartender…out of 32 bartenders.

The Pirate got a couple shots to show what he could do behind the bar after T-Sizzle was roughed up by a rowdy buccaneer in from Tampa Bay. The Pirate stepped up, showing off his flair and prowess at drink making that day, but in repeat performances, when management told him to lay off the flair and make drinks in a reliable way, the Pirate wasn’t quite as effective, turning some patrons off.

Now here we are today, at a crossroads. There are a couple bar-backs working at the Broncos Country Bar, but the true competition now is between T-Sizzle and the Pirate. We have brand new management from the top down; ones who come from bars with flashy bartenders.

Will the Skittle-loving, smiling, and serviceable bartender win the job with his efficient drink making, playing it safe and predictable? Or will the swashbuckling gunslinger take the reins with his flash and hustle, with a better command of the bottles and service?

While the new management staff at Broncos Country Bar likes flash, the Bar will operate to suit the strengths of the head bartender, no matter who wins the position. Even if it’s only a temporary one.

No matter who is serving drinks when the doors open, Broncos Country will continue to be patrons, and love every minute at their honky tonk.

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